Abject Suffering

Episode 25: Captain Planet and the Planeteers

December 8th, 2013 | 35 mins 25 secs

Captain Planet takes a cut of the proceeds, and buys them all 40's of Old English to share. He sleeps in an unadorned firetrap apartment and no longer fears death.

Episode 24: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

November 24th, 2013 | 29 mins 33 secs

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are just like this glass. Once, they didn't exist. Then they started existing. And then they didn't stop existing. The NES game is an artifact of that violent cultural birth. Also, it doesn't really belong here, except it's kind of flickery and a little too hard.

Episode 23: Mission: Impossible

November 10th, 2013 | 39 mins 45 secs

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take this container of Vaseline, and smear it all over these Doritos. Just really get it in there. That's right. Rub it real good. Now stack them up and press your face into it.

Episode 22: Friday the 13th

October 27th, 2013 | 35 mins 49 secs

If people don't stop having sex, then the human race is done for. The church has done all it can, but it's not enough. We must instead turn to our masked vigilante saviors to stop this sexy, sexy scourge once and for all.

Episode 21: Home Alone

October 13th, 2013 | 34 mins 40 secs

Home Alone was written by John Hughes. So were a bunch of other movies. He was a fixture, and then he just went away. Was he aware of this game? Did he conceive of the stereotyped mobsters that are in it?

Episode 20: Ren and Stimpy Space Cadet Adventures

September 29th, 2013 | 37 mins 57 secs

How can you capture something as fucking nutso as Ren and Stimpy in a game? We spend about 35 minutes figuring out that you can't do it with a monochrome spaceship where Log attacks you.

Episode 19: Mohawk and Headphone Jack

August 28th, 2013 | 35 mins 22 secs

We're somewhat convinced that Michael designed Mohawk and Headphone Jack specifically to be as unappealing as possible. Good job, Michael. You broke us.

Episode 18: Captain Skyhawk

August 28th, 2013 | 32 mins 37 secs

We don't contend with mediocrity that often. So far, the closest we got was Pac Man 2, and that doesn't really count since it's so weird. Captain Skyhawk doesn't really belong here.

Episode 17: Bubsy II

August 14th, 2013 | 35 mins 57 secs

This is the singularity that happens when 1000 bad ideas try and cram their way into a premise that isn't promising. This is our first mascot platformer... any why not live life to the hilt?

Episode 16: Road Runner's Death Valley Rally

July 31st, 2013 | 37 mins 14 secs

Kole has become unstuck in time. This is the epicenter of his primary dissonance: how can he be a 26 year old man, but appreciate Road Runner cartoons and Nick at Nite?

Episode 15: Where's Waldo?

July 17th, 2013 | 33 mins 47 secs

Saving Private Ryan started out as a Where's Waldo film adaptation. True fact. But Spielberg descended into the heart of darkness, gradually turning Martin Handford's whimsical vision into a twisted hellscape of severed limbs and broken hearts.

Episode 14: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

July 2nd, 2013 | 32 mins 21 secs

Michael Jackson put out a game where the objective is to collect as many children as possible. Don't worry, we make the obvious jokes as soon as possible. We continue the streak of Abject Suffering games about known sex offenders.

Episode Archive