Abject Suffering

Episode 13: The Uncanny X-Men

June 19th, 2013 | 30 mins 57 secs

It's an allegory for all of mankind's struggle for equality. What if you were born different? What if everyone was afraid of you? What if you were the worst NES game Abject Suffering has played yet?

There aught to be a Chick Tract about Spellcraft. It tells you the reagents and processes necessary to do such awful things as Much to Stone and Return Home. What's this you say? You joust demons? I'll not hear of it.

Episode 11: Pac Man 2

May 29th, 2013 | 31 mins 53 secs

Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?

Episode 10: Wayne's World

May 15th, 2013 | 32 mins 35 secs

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night.

Episode 9: Deadly Towers

May 2nd, 2013 | 29 mins

Dick Dagger: It's more than just an incredibly predictable porn star name. It's what you kill things with in this awful game. Join us as we try and talk about anything and everything but this atrocity.

Episode 8: Jurassic Park

April 17th, 2013 | 34 mins 7 secs

Hey there, Clever Girls... are you ready to have a prepubescent crush on Laura Dern? We thought so. There really isn't a great Jurassic Park game, but the Genesis one is made of human butt.

Episode 7: Home Improvement

April 2nd, 2013 | 45 mins 6 secs

Auuegh!? What we need now is more power. Wilson is across the fence, and we should mow him down with our Binford=Taylor Hedge Trimmers, because that's the only way to the truth about what happened in my tragic head injury.

Episode 6: Shaq-Fu

March 20th, 2013 | 49 mins 11 secs

Shaq is baq, and he's on the attaq! Sucked into the Second World and tasked with saving a little Japanese boy, it's sure to be a shoq to his system. However, us qanny gamers will know how to guide him to victory against voodoo priestesses and, Carnage?

Episode 5: J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings Volume 1

March 6th, 2013 | 37 mins 13 secs

I don't remember the part of Lord of the Rings where Frodo got a sword that would turn things into skeletons... let alone, I don't think he had it in Hobbitton. But that's the least of our worries, as we try and ignore the bitchin' tunes and talk about ho

Episode 4: Mike Tyson's Intergalactic Power Punch

February 20th, 2013 | 39 mins 41 secs

While just blog-checkin' on Tyson, we found this amazingly awful and weird game. Things take a turn for the serious as we talk about the ethics of professional sports, and how they relate to Space Jam.

Episode 3: Captain Novolin

February 5th, 2013 | 37 mins 31 secs

It's a dark night for the world... Mandatory Municipal Pepsi has rendered the entire population diabetic, and only one man, Captain Novolin can save us. Eat the good aliens, and avoid the bad, and hope to Christ that you have enough blood.

Episode 2: Kid Kool

January 23rd, 2013 | 33 mins 12 secs

Kid Kool is here to teach you the ways of love, as he begins our long and fruitful affair with bad NES platformers. Have you been good? If you died today, would you go to Jump Heaven or Speed Hell? We will all be judged, abjectly.

Episode Archive